Shipping & Returns

Shipping

Dispatch

Immediately. Arrival is a separate matter.

Delivery window

0 to 1 business eternities.

Tracking

Delivery status: OUT FOR DELIVERY. It is always out for delivery.

Packaging

One crate, sealed with more tape than seems necessary. It is necessary.

Signature

Not required. The crate will make itself known.

What to expect at the door

1. A crate has arrived. It is heavier than the invoice suggested.
2. Tape status: compromised. Cardboard status: optimistic.
3. Contents: one (1) monster. Warranty: void where prohibited by monsters.
4. Delivery complete. The monster is yours. The monster has opinions about this.

Returns

Unopened crates

Returnable, in theory. No crate has stayed unopened long enough to test this.

Opened monsters

No refunds. The crate is non-refundable; the monster, more so.

Parts

Fitting is free to undo. Budgets are not free at all.

Warranty

Void where prohibited by monsters.

Repairs

You pay for repairs if you lose. Pack light or pack revenge.

Storage

Beasts you own are kept in Your Warehouse between demonstrations. Pens are cleaned weekly. Records are kept forever.

Demonstrations take place at the loading dock. Demonstrations only: the dock has union rules.

The injury report

After every demonstration your beast comes home with a note. These are the notes we send most often.

• Spike bent. Cosmetic. Probably.
• One tentacle is sulking. It will be spoken to.
• Hat lost in the arena. Hat has been re-ordered. Hat enjoys this.
• Minor scorching to the finish. The finish had it coming.
• Quill count: 214. Quill count before: 215. We do not discuss the quill.
• Left side dented. Right side smug about it.
• Ink levels low. Dignity levels lower.
• A wing is folded at an angle the manual calls 'advanced'.
• Monster reports a 'weird tingle.' Monster has been told this is normal.
• Returned slightly damp. No explanation available. No explanation requested.